Surviving the Holidays When Family is Complicated: A Therapist's Guide
It's the "most wonderful time of the year"—unless your family is complicated.
While everyone else seems to be posting picture-perfect family gatherings and heartwarming moments, you're already feeling anxious about spending time with relatives who criticise you, ignore your boundaries, or bring up painful topics over Christmas dinner.
You're not alone. And you're not wrong for dreading it.
As a psychotherapist based in Melbourne with spaces in Elsternwick and Malvern East, I work with countless clients navigating difficult family dynamics during the holidays. The pressure to show up, be grateful, and play happy families can feel suffocating—especially when your family relationships are strained, toxic, or traumatic.
Let me offer you some practical strategies for surviving (and maybe even protecting your peace during) the holiday season.
Why the Holidays Are So Hard When Family is Complicated
The holiday season amplifies everything.
Cultural pressure: Society tells us holidays are about family, gratitude, and togetherness. If your family is difficult, you feel like something is wrong with YOU.
Forced proximity: You're expected to spend extended time with people you might normally limit contact with.
Old roles resurface: No matter how much you've grown or changed, family gatherings can pull you back into old dynamics—the scapegoat, the peacekeeper, the disappointment, the invisible one.
Unmet expectations: You hope this year will be different. It rarely is. The disappointment compounds.
Triggers everywhere: Certain topics, dynamics, or even smells can activate trauma responses or painful memories.
The "gratitude" trap: You're told to be grateful for family, which can make you feel guilty for your legitimate feelings about difficult relatives.
Common difficult family dynamics during holidays:
Criticism disguised as "concern"
Boundary violations ("Why don't you visit more?" "When are you having kids?" "You've gained weight")
Passive-aggressive comments
Favoritism or scapegoating
Alcohol-fueled arguments or tension
Political or religious conflicts
Unresolved trauma or grief
Toxic positivity ("Just be happy! It's Christmas!")
Gaslighting ("That never happened" "You're too sensitive")
If any of this resonates, keep reading.
Before the Gathering: Preparation is Everything
1. Decide If You're Going (Yes, That's Optional)
You don't have to go.
I know that feels radical, but it's true. You're an adult. You get to choose.
Ask yourself:
Will attending harm my mental health?
Am I going out of obligation, guilt, or genuine desire?
Do I have the emotional capacity for this right now?
What's the actual consequence if I don't go?
If you decide not to go:
You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation
"I won't be able to make it this year, but I hope you have a lovely time" is sufficient
Create your own meaningful holiday tradition
Prepare for potential guilt-tripping or pushback
If you do decide to go, that's valid too. Just make sure it's YOUR choice, not obligation.
2. Set Boundaries BEFORE You Arrive
Don't wait until you're triggered to think about boundaries.
Decide in advance:
How long you'll stay (and communicate this: "I can stay until 3pm")
Which topics are off-limits for you
What you'll do if boundaries are crossed
Your exit plan if you need to leave early
Practice saying:
"I'm not discussing that"
"That topic is off-limits for me"
"I need to leave now, but thank you for having me"
"I appreciate your concern, but I'm not open to advice on that"
Communicate key boundaries ahead of time if possible: "Just so you know, I won't be discussing [topic] this year. I hope you can respect that."
3. Manage Your Expectations
The harsh truth: They probably won't change.
Your critical mother likely won't suddenly become warm and accepting. Your dismissive father probably won't validate your feelings. Your competitive sibling will likely still compare and compete.
This isn't pessimism—it's protection.
When you expect them to be who they've always been, you're less likely to be disappointed or hurt.
Helpful reframe: "I'm going to observe my family, not expect anything different from them."
4. Build Your Support System
Don't go through this alone.
Before the gathering:
Tell a trusted friend or therapist your concerns
Arrange check-in texts with someone supportive
Plan something pleasant for after (coffee with a friend, favorite movie, etc.)
During the gathering:
Have someone you can text if you're struggling
Know you can leave and call someone supportive
After the gathering:
Debrief with someone who gets it
Process what happened
Validate your own experience
5. Plan Self-Care for Before, During, and After
Before:
Get good sleep the night before
Eat well and stay hydrated
Do something that grounds you (walk, meditation, exercise)
Limit alcohol the night before
During:
Take breaks (bathroom, walk outside, "phone call")
Limit alcohol (it lowers your ability to maintain boundaries)
Eat regularly (blood sugar affects emotional regulation)
Use grounding techniques if you're triggered
After:
Give yourself time to decompress
Don't jump into other obligations
Process your feelings (journal, talk to someone, therapy)
Practice self-compassion
During the Gathering: Survival Strategies
1. Use Strategic Positioning
Physical space matters.
Sit near exits if possible
Position yourself near supportive relatives
Avoid being cornered or trapped in conversations
Take breaks outside or in another room
Keep your car keys accessible
2. Have Conversation Deflection Strategies
When someone brings up a boundary-violating topic:
The Redirect: "Oh, that reminds me, have you tried that new restaurant in [area]?"
The Vague Response: "Things are going well, thanks for asking. How about you?"
The Boundary Statement: "I appreciate your interest, but I'm not discussing that today."
The Exit: "Excuse me, I need to [bathroom/help in kitchen/make a call]."
The Broken Record: Just keep repeating your boundary calmly: "I'm not discussing that" no matter how they push.
The Subject Change: "I'd rather talk about [different topic]. Tell me about [their interest]."
3. Recognize Manipulation Tactics
Be aware of common manipulation strategies:
Guilt-tripping: "We never see you anymore" "Family is supposed to be together" "Your grandmother would be so disappointed"
Response: "I understand you're disappointed. This is what works for me."
Gaslighting: "That never happened" "You're remembering it wrong" "You're too sensitive"
Response: "That's not my experience" or simply don't engage—you know your truth.
Passive-aggression: Subtle digs, backhanded compliments, martyrdom
Response: You can name it ("That felt like a dig") or let it roll off (they want a reaction).
Triangulation: Using other family members to deliver messages or create alliances
Response: "If [person] has something to say to me, they can say it directly."
Love-bombing then criticism: Being overly nice then suddenly critical
Response: Recognize the pattern, don't get pulled in by the niceness thinking things have changed.
4. Use Grounding Techniques When Triggered
If you feel activated, overwhelmed, or dissociating:
5-4-3-2-1 Technique:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
Breathing:
Box breathing (in 4, hold 4, out 4, hold 4)
Long exhales (out longer than in)
Physical grounding:
Feel your feet on the floor
Hold something cold (ice, cold drink)
Splash cold water on your face
Go outside for fresh air
Mental grounding:
"I am safe right now"
"This is temporary"
"I can leave whenever I need to"
"Their behavior is about them, not me"
5. Know Your Exit Strategy
You can leave. Truly.
Have a plan:
Your own transportation (don't rely on others)
An excuse ready ("I'm not feeling well" "I have an early commitment tomorrow")
A friend on standby to "need" you
Permission from yourself to leave without guilt
You don't need to:
Stay until the end
Explain in detail why you're leaving
Get anyone's permission
Feel guilty for prioritizing your wellbeing
Script: "Thank you for having me. I need to head out now. I hope you all have a lovely rest of the day."
Then leave. Don't get pulled into negotiation.
Specific Scenarios and How to Handle Them
Scenario 1: Invasive Questions
"When are you having kids?" "Why are you still single?" "How much do you make?"
Responses:
"I'm not discussing that" (firm, final)
"That's personal" (simple boundary)
"Why do you ask?" (turns it back on them)
"I'll let you know when there's something to share" (vague, ends conversation)
Smile and change subject (non-verbal boundary)
Scenario 2: Criticism or Unsolicited Advice
"You should really..." "Have you tried..." "If I were you..."
Responses:
"I appreciate your concern, but I'm not looking for advice"
"I'm handling it"
"That's an interesting perspective" (acknowledge without agreeing)
"I've got it covered, thanks"
Scenario 3: Bringing Up Painful Past Events
"Remember when you..." "You always..." "You were such a [difficult child/disappointment/etc.]"
Responses:
"I don't want to talk about the past today"
"That's not how I remember it" (if they're rewriting history)
"Let's focus on the present"
Simply change subject without acknowledging the comment
Scenario 4: Political, Religious, or Values Conflicts
When someone brings up inflammatory topics:
Responses:
"I don't discuss politics/religion at family gatherings"
"We're not going to agree on this, so let's talk about something else"
"I'm here to spend time with family, not debate"
Physically leave the conversation
Scenario 5: Someone Drinking Too Much
When alcohol escalates tension:
Strategies:
Don't engage with intoxicated people in serious conversations
Create physical distance
This might be your cue to leave early
Don't take things said by drunk people personally (even though they hurt)
Scenario 6: Being Ignored or Excluded
When you're being treated as invisible or less-than:
Remember:
This is about their behavior, not your worth
You can't control how they treat you, only how long you expose yourself to it
It's okay to leave a gathering where you're not valued
Your presence is a gift they're choosing not to appreciate
After the Gathering: Recovery and Processing
1. Decompress Intentionally
Don't just push through.
Do:
Give yourself time to transition back
Change into comfortable clothes
Do something soothing (bath, favorite show, walk)
Move your body to release tension
Journal or voice-memo your thoughts
Don't:
Immediately jump into other obligations
Numb with excessive alcohol or other substances
Suppress your feelings
Berate yourself for how you handled things
2. Process Your Feelings
Whatever you're feeling is valid.
Disappointed? Angry? Sad? Relieved it's over? Guilty for feeling relieved? All valid.
Helpful processing:
Talk to a trusted friend or therapist
Write it out
Acknowledge what was hard
Notice what you did well (maintained a boundary, left when you needed to, etc.)
Avoid:
"I should be grateful"
"Other people have it worse"
"It wasn't that bad"
Your experience is your experience. You don't need to justify or minimize it.
3. Notice What You Learned
Every difficult family interaction teaches you something.
Which boundaries do you need to strengthen for next time?
What worked well?
What would you do differently?
What patterns did you notice?
What do you need going forward?
This isn't about self-criticism—it's about self-awareness and empowerment.
4. Release Guilt
Guilt is common after setting boundaries or leaving early.
Remember:
You're not responsible for others' disappointment
Taking care of yourself isn't selfish
You don't owe anyone your presence at the cost of your wellbeing
"But they're family" doesn't obligate you to accept mistreatment
Affirmations:
"I'm allowed to protect my peace"
"My boundaries are valid"
"I did what I needed to do"
"I'm not responsible for managing others' emotions"
5. Plan for Next Year (If Relevant)
While it's fresh, consider:
Do I want to attend next year?
What would need to change for me to feel okay attending?
What boundaries do I need to communicate earlier?
What support do I need to have in place?
You might decide:
To attend but for shorter time
To attend only if certain people will be there (or won't be)
To host your own separate gathering
To not attend at all
To take a break from family holidays for a year or more
All of these are valid choices.
Creating Your Own Meaningful Holiday
You can opt out of traditional family gatherings and still have meaningful holidays.
Alternative holiday ideas:
Friendsgiving/Friendsmas with chosen family
Volunteer work that feels meaningful
Travel or staycation
Quiet time alone with activities you love
Small gathering with only people who feel safe
Virtual connection with distant loved ones who are supportive
Creating entirely new traditions that feel good to you
Your holiday doesn't have to look like anyone else's to be valid and meaningful.
When Family Gatherings Cause Real Harm
Sometimes "surviving" isn't enough—sometimes you need to stop attending.
It might be time to skip family holidays if:
Attending consistently harms your mental health
You experience panic attacks, depression spikes, or trauma responses before/during/after
There's active abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, financial)
Your safety is at risk
You're going only out of guilt or obligation with no positive aspects
Recovery takes weeks
You're being pressured to tolerate behavior you wouldn't accept from anyone else
"But they're family" is not a reason to accept mistreatment.
You're allowed to:
Go no-contact or low-contact with family members
Skip holidays indefinitely
Create distance without guilt
Prioritize your mental health over family expectations
Redefine what family means to you
The Role of Therapy in Navigating Difficult Family Dynamics
Therapy can help you:
Before the holidays:
Process past family trauma
Develop and practice boundary-setting skills
Manage anxiety about upcoming gatherings
Decide whether to attend
Create a plan for difficult scenarios
Work on guilt, obligation, and people-pleasing patterns
After the holidays:
Process what happened
Work through triggered memories or feelings
Heal from ongoing family dynamics
Grieve the family you wish you had
Build skills for future interactions
Ongoing work:
Understand your family patterns and your role in them
Heal attachment wounds
Develop secure sense of self separate from family narratives
Build chosen family and healthy relationships
Process complex feelings (loving and resenting family members simultaneously)
If you're struggling with difficult family dynamics—during the holidays or year-round—you don't have to navigate it alone.
Final Thoughts: You're Not Alone
If the holidays bring up pain, anxiety, or dread because of family, please know:
You're not being dramatic.
Difficult family dynamics cause real harm.
You're not ungrateful.
Boundaries aren't rejection; they're self-preservation.
You're not alone.
Countless people struggle with this exact issue.
You're allowed to protect yourself.
Even from family. Especially from family.
You deserve peaceful holidays.
Even if that means creating them outside of traditional family gatherings.
You get to decide what's right for you.
No one else lives in your body, mind, or family system.
And you deserve support.
Whether that's from friends, chosen family, or a therapist—you don't have to do this alone.
Need Support This Holiday Season?
I'm Indi Bruch, an integrative psychotherapist in based in Melbourne with space in Elsternwick and Malvern East (also offering telehealth across Australia). I help people navigate difficult family dynamics, set boundaries, process trauma, and build the relationships they actually want.
If you're struggling with:
Anxiety about upcoming family gatherings
Guilt about setting boundaries or not attending
Processing difficult family interactions
Healing from family trauma
Building healthier relationship patterns
I can help.
Currently accepting new clients for in-person and online therapy.
📧 Book your free consultation: www.indibruch.com.au
You deserve peace—during the holidays and all year round. Let's work together to help you protect it.
