Stuck in the Same Relationship Patterns? Here's Why (And How to Break Free)
Different person, same problems. Sound familiar?
You keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners. Or you find yourself people-pleasing until you're exhausted. Or every relationship ends the same way—with you feeling abandoned or suffocated.
You tell yourself "this time will be different," but somehow, you end up in the exact same dynamic with a new person.
Here's the truth: You're not unlucky in love. You're stuck in a relationship pattern.
As a psychotherapist in Elsternwick and Malvern East who works with people struggling with relationship issues, I see these patterns constantly. The good news? Once you understand why you repeat them, you can finally break free.
What Are Relationship Patterns?
Relationship patterns are the recurring dynamics, behaviors, and choices you make in romantic relationships, friendships, or even family connections.
Common examples:
Always choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable
People-pleasing until you lose yourself
Pushing people away when they get too close
Attracting or staying with partners who criticise or control you
Sabotaging relationships when things get too good
Repeating the same conflicts over and over
Feeling anxious or abandoned in relationships
Being the "fixer" or "rescuer" in every relationship
The frustrating part? You often don't realize you're in a pattern until you've been through it multiple times.
Why Do We Get Stuck in Relationship Patterns?
1. Your Attachment Style
Your early relationships shaped how you connect with others as an adult.
In childhood, you learned what love looks like, how safe relationships feel, and whether people stick around when things get hard.
Common attachment patterns:
Anxious Attachment: You crave closeness but fear abandonment. You might become clingy, need constant reassurance, or panic when partners pull away slightly.
Avoidant Attachment: You value independence and struggle with intimacy. You might pull away when things get too close, prefer emotional distance, or feel suffocated by partners' needs.
Disorganized Attachment: You want closeness but fear it simultaneously. You might push-pull in relationships, feeling terrified of both intimacy and abandonment.
Your attachment style isn't your fault—but understanding it is the first step to changing your patterns.
2. Repeating Familiar Dynamics
Your brain seeks what's familiar, even when it's painful.
If you grew up with a critical parent, you might unconsciously choose critical partners. If love in your family felt conditional, you might seek relationships where you have to "earn" affection.
Why? Because familiar = predictable = safe (to your nervous system). Your brain knows how to navigate these dynamics, even if they hurt.
The pattern: You're unconsciously trying to "fix" or "master" an old wound by recreating it.
3. Core Beliefs About Yourself
Your relationship patterns reflect what you believe about yourself deep down.
If you believe:
"I'm not worthy of love" → You accept crumbs or stay in bad relationships
"People always leave" → You push people away before they can abandon you
"I'm too much" → You shrink yourself, people-please, or hide your needs
"Love requires sacrifice" → You give until you're empty
"I'm unlovable as I am" → You constantly perform or try to be perfect
These beliefs operate unconsciously, driving your choices and behaviors.
4. Unprocessed Trauma
Trauma shapes how you relate to others.
If you've experienced:
Betrayal or infidelity
Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
Neglect or abandonment
Toxic or controlling relationships
Your nervous system stays on high alert. You might:
Assume people will hurt you (hypervigilance)
Push people away before they can leave (protective distance)
Tolerate poor treatment because it feels normal (trauma bonding)
Struggle to trust even safe people
Trauma changes your relational template. Healing requires processing the past, not just choosing "better" partners.
5. Lack of Self-Awareness
You can't change patterns you don't see.
Many people are genuinely unaware of their patterns until someone (a friend, therapist, or blunt ex) points them out.
Signs you lack awareness:
You blame every relationship failure on the other person
You don't see your role in recurring conflicts
You repeat the same choices but expect different results
You dismiss feedback about your behavior
Self-awareness is the foundation of change.
6. Fear of the Unknown
Breaking patterns means stepping into uncertainty.
Even painful patterns feel predictable and safe. Trying something new—choosing a different type of partner, setting boundaries, being vulnerable—feels terrifying.
The thought process: "What if I try something different and fail?" "What if being vulnerable gets me hurt?" "What if I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship?"
Fear keeps you stuck in familiar suffering rather than risking unfamiliar growth.
Common Relationship Patterns (And Why You're Stuck)
The People-Pleaser Pattern
What it looks like: You prioritize everyone's needs above your own. You struggle to say no. You lose yourself trying to keep others happy.
Why you're stuck: You learned love requires sacrifice, or that your needs don't matter. Setting boundaries feels selfish or dangerous.
The cost: Resentment, exhaustion, relationships where you're not truly seen or valued.
The Emotional Unavailability Pattern
What it looks like: You consistently choose partners who are emotionally distant, unavailable, or inconsistent. You're always chasing closeness that never comes.
Why you're stuck: Familiar dynamic from childhood, or you unconsciously avoid real intimacy by choosing people who can't give it.
The cost: Chronic longing, anxiety, feeling unseen and unimportant.
The Push-Pull Pattern
What it looks like: You want closeness but freak out when you get it. You push people away, then panic when they leave. You create distance, then crave connection.
Why you're stuck: Disorganized attachment or trauma makes intimacy feel dangerous. You're caught between craving and fearing connection.
The cost: Unstable relationships, constant anxiety, pushing away people who care about you.
The Rescuer/Fixer Pattern
What it looks like: You're drawn to "broken" people who need saving. You believe your love can fix them. You pour energy into partners who don't reciprocate.
Why you're stuck: Focusing on others' problems helps you avoid your own. Or you learned love means self-sacrifice and taking care of others.
The cost: One-sided relationships, burnout, losing yourself, staying with people who don't change.
The Self-Sabotage Pattern
What it looks like: Things are going well... so you find a reason to blow it up. You cheat, pick fights, or pull away when relationships get serious.
Why you're stuck: Deep down you don't believe you deserve good things. Or healthy relationships feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
The cost: Destroying potentially good relationships, confirming your belief that you're unworthy or unlovable.
The Anxious-Avoidant Pattern
What it looks like: You're anxious, they're avoidant (or vice versa). You chase, they run. They get distant, you get clingy. You're caught in a painful dance.
Why you're stuck: This dynamic feels familiar and keeps both people's fears alive—fear of abandonment for the anxious partner, fear of engulfment for the avoidant.
The cost: Constant anxiety, never feeling secure, relationships that feel more like struggles than partnerships.
How to Break Free From Relationship Patterns
1. Develop Self-Awareness
You can't change what you don't see.
Ask yourself:
What patterns do I notice in my relationships?
What keeps showing up with different people?
What was I taught about love and relationships growing up?
What do I believe about myself in relationships?
What role do I typically play?
Journal, reflect, or work with a therapist to identify your patterns clearly.
2. Understand Your Attachment Style
Learn how your early experiences shaped your relational template.
Understanding your attachment style helps you:
Recognize your triggers
Understand your automatic responses
Make sense of your patterns
Develop compassion for yourself
Start making conscious choices
Therapy, particularly psychodynamic or attachment-focused work, is incredibly helpful for this.
3. Challenge Core Beliefs
Identify and question the beliefs driving your patterns.
Process:
What do I believe about myself in relationships?
Where did this belief come from?
Is it actually true, or just familiar?
What would I believe if I was worthy of healthy love?
Example: "I'm too much" → "This belief came from being told to be quiet as a child" → "Maybe I'm not too much; maybe I was just in environments that couldn't hold me."
4. Process Past Trauma and Wounds
You can't logic your way out of trauma responses.
Healing trauma requires:
Working with a trauma-informed therapist
Processing experiences your nervous system still holds
Developing tools for regulation and safety
Learning that not everyone will hurt you like you were hurt before
This work takes time, but it's essential for breaking trauma-based patterns.
5. Practice New Behaviors
Awareness isn't enough—you need to practice doing things differently.
Try:
Choosing a different type of partner than your usual "type"
Setting boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable
Being vulnerable instead of shutting down
Staying in a relationship when it gets hard (if it's healthy)
Leaving a relationship when it's unhealthy (instead of staying)
Asking for what you need directly
New behaviors feel awkward and scary at first. That's normal. Keep practicing.
6. Work With a Therapist
Breaking relationship patterns is hard to do alone.
Therapy helps you:
Identify patterns you can't see yourself
Understand the roots of your patterns
Process trauma and attachment wounds
Challenge beliefs and develop new ones
Practice new ways of relating in the therapeutic relationship
Get support and accountability as you change
This is exactly the kind of work I do with clients in Elsternwick, Malvern East, and via telehealth across Australia.
When to Seek Help
Consider therapy if:
You keep ending up in the same painful relationship dynamics
You recognize patterns but can't seem to change them
Your relationship issues are affecting your mental health
You struggle with trust, intimacy, or vulnerability
Past trauma is impacting your current relationships
You want to understand yourself better before your next relationship
You're tired of repeating the same mistakes
You don't have to keep suffering through the same patterns. Change is possible.
Breaking the Cycle: What's Possible
When you do this work, you can:
Choose partners consciously instead of unconsciously repeating patterns
Feel secure in relationships instead of anxious or avoidant
Set boundaries without guilt
Be vulnerable without terror
Stay present instead of running or clinging
Build relationships based on who you are, not who you think you need to be
Experience healthy, reciprocal love—maybe for the first time
You deserve relationships that feel good, not just familiar.
Ready to Break Free From Your Relationship Patterns?
I'm Indi Bruch, an integrative psychotherapist in Elsternwick and Malvern East (also offering telehealth across Australia). I specialize in helping people understand and change their relationship patterns through trauma-informed, insight-oriented therapy.
What we'll work on:
Identifying your specific relationship patterns
Understanding your attachment style and relational history
Processing trauma and core wounds
Challenging beliefs that keep you stuck
Practicing new ways of relating
Building the relationships you actually want
Currently accepting new clients for in-person and online therapy.
📧 Book your free consultation: www.indibruch.com.au
You don't have to keep repeating the same painful patterns. Let's work together to help you break free and build the relationships you deserve.
