Understanding Different Types of Grief: A Melbourne Therapist's Guide

18 Sept

In my previous post, I explored how sharing the experience of grief is an effective way to not only face our grief but process it. Today, I want to dive deeper into something I see regularly in my practice: the many different faces grief can wear. Understanding that grief isn't a one-size-fits-all experience can be incredibly validating for those who feel like their grief doesn't "look right" or follow expected patterns.

Grief is as individual as the person experiencing it, yet there are recognizable patterns that can help us understand what we or our loved ones might be going through. Let's explore the various types of grief that show up in our lives.

The Grief We Recognize

Traditional Grief

This is what most people think of when they hear the word "grief"—the sorrow that follows the death of someone we love. It's the grief that gets sympathy cards, time off work, and casseroles from neighbours. While deeply painful, traditional grief is socially recognised and supported.

But even within traditional grief, there are variations:

Acute grief: The intense, overwhelming sorrow in the immediate aftermath of loss
Integrated grief: When the pain softens and we learn to carry our love for the person alongside the reality of their absence
Anniversary grief: The renewed intensity that often comes around significant dates

Anticipatory Grief

This is the grief we feel before a loss actually occurs. It might show up when:

A loved one receives a terminal diagnosis
Watching a parent struggle with dementia
Facing the end of a marriage
Preparing for children to leave home
Anticipating job loss or major life changes

Anticipatory grief can feel confusing because you're mourning someone or something that's still present. Many people feel guilty about this type of grief, but it's a natural response to impending loss.

The Grief That Hides

Disenfranchised Grief

This is perhaps the loneliest type of grief—loss that isn't socially recognized or supported. Examples include:

Grief over a miscarriage, especially early pregnancy loss
Mourning the loss of an ex-partner
Grieving a pet's death
Sorrow over infertility
Grief related to addiction or mental health struggles
Loss of someone who died by suicide (often complicated by stigma)
Workplace grief after layoffs or organisational changes
Being a single parent
Not having access to mobaility in society due to our social standing/stigma/lack of finances

Disenfranchised grief can be particularly difficult because it lacks the social support systems that help us process other types of loss.

Ambiguous Loss

Psychologist Pauline Boss coined this term to describe losses that lack clarity or closure. There are two types:

Physical ambiguity: When someone is physically absent but psychologically present (missing persons, deployed military, incarcerated family members, a missing person, where you presume that person has died as it has been so long, but there is never a body found)

Psychological ambiguity: When someone is physically present but psychologically absent (dementia, severe mental illness, addiction, traumatic brain injury)

Ambiguous loss is particularly challenging because there's no clear endpoint—no funeral, no closure, no defined mourning period.

The Grief That Lingers

Complicated Grief

Sometimes called prolonged or persistent complex bereavement, this occurs when grief becomes stuck. This can happen when someone experiences multiple losses close together, like a job loss and then two deaths close together. Or when the loss is traumatic. Unlike the natural ebb and flow of typical grief, complicated grief remains intense and doesn't soften over time. Signs might include:

Intense grief reactions lasting more than a year without improvement
Inability to accept the reality of the loss
Extreme avoidance of reminders of the deceased
Complete inability to move forward with life
Intense yearning and searching for the deceased

Complicated grief isn't a sign of weakness or "doing grief wrong"—it's a recognized condition that responds well to specialized therapy.

Cumulative Grief

This occurs when someone experiences multiple losses in a short period, or when unresolved grief from past losses gets triggered by new ones. It's like emotional compound interest—each new loss makes the previous ones feel heavier too.

I often see this in:

Healthcare workers who've lost multiple patients
People who've experienced several deaths in their family within a short timeframe
Those dealing with multiple life changes simultaneously (job loss, divorce, and death, for example)

The Hidden Varieties of Modern Grief

Collective Grief

We're currently living through unprecedented levels of collective grief—shared losses that affect entire communities, countries, or even the world. Examples include:

Pandemic-related losses (lives, normalcy, milestones)
Climate grief over environmental destruction
Cultural grief over social changes or political events
Community grief after mass traumatic events

Identity Grief

This is mourning the loss of who you used to be or who you thought you'd become:

Grief over lost abilities due to illness or injury
Mourning career dreams that didn't materialize
Grieving the person you were before trauma
Loss of identity after major life transitions (retirement, empty nest, divorce)
Grief over lost innocence or changed worldview

Fertility Grief

The grief surrounding fertility challenges is profound and often unrecognized:

Mourning the loss of genetic connection
Grieving each failed treatment cycle
Loss of the envisioned family experience
Grief over the simplicity others seem to have with conception
Secondary infertility grief when subsequent pregnancies don't occur

Developmental Grief

This occurs when life doesn't unfold as expected:

Not achieving expected milestones by certain ages
Grieving the "normal" childhood you didn't have
Mourning developmental experiences missed due to illness, trauma, or family circumstances
Loss of innocence through early exposure to adult problems

The Grief We Don't Name

Workplace Grief

Often overlooked, workplace grief can be significant:

Job loss, especially unexpected termination
Company culture changes or reorganizations
Retirement grief—losing identity, purpose, and community
Grief when a workplace mentor leaves or dies
Loss of career trajectory due to external circumstances

Relational Grief

Mourning relationships while people are still alive:

Grief over a friendship that's changed or ended
Mourning family relationships damaged by conflict
Loss of the parent-child relationship you wished you had
Grief over children growing up and changing
Mourning the marriage you thought you had before infidelity or other betrayals

Spiritual Grief

Loss of faith or spiritual connection:

Questioning beliefs after traumatic events
Feeling abandoned by God or the universe
Loss of community when leaving a religious organization
Grief over spiritual practices that no longer feel meaningful

Why Understanding Types of Grief Matters

Recognizing these different types of grief serves several important purposes:

Validation: Understanding that your grief "type" is real and recognized can be profoundly validating. You're not overreacting, being dramatic, or taking too long to heal.

Permission: Different types of grief may require different approaches and timelines. Knowing your grief type can give you permission to grieve in the way that feels right for you.

Connection: Realizing others experience similar types of loss can help you feel less alone in your experience.

Treatment: Different types of grief may benefit from different therapeutic approaches. Understanding your grief can help you and your therapist choose the most helpful interventions.

Moving Forward with Your Grief

Regardless of what type of grief you're experiencing, some universal principles apply:

Your grief is valid. Whether it's recognized by society or not, whether it follows traditional patterns or not, your grief matters.

Healing isn't linear. Grief doesn't follow a neat timeline or predictable stages. Expect setbacks, waves, and unexpected triggers.

You don't have to grieve alone. Even if your specific type of grief isn't widely understood, support is available. Sometimes the most healing conversations happen with others who've experienced similar losses.

Different doesn't mean disordered. Just because your grief doesn't look like what others expect doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.

Professional help is available. If your grief feels overwhelming, stuck, or is significantly impacting your daily functioning, a grief-informed therapist can provide valuable support.

Creating Space for All Types of Grief

As a society, we need to expand our understanding of grief beyond death-related loss. We need to create space for:

The parent grieving their child's mental health diagnosis
The young adult mourning climate change
The employee grieving a toxic workplace they had to leave
The person mourning their pre-trauma self
The individual grieving relationships that never were what they hoped

When we acknowledge the full spectrum of human grief experiences, we create a more compassionate world—one where people don't have to suffer alone with losses that "don't count" or grief that doesn't fit neat categories.

Finding Your Grief Story

If you're reading this and recognizing your own grief experience in these descriptions, know that understanding what type of grief you're experiencing is just the first step. The real work—and the real healing—happens in the gentle, patient process of learning to carry your loss while still engaging with life.

Your grief deserves attention, care, and support, regardless of what type it is or how it compares to others' experiences. In a world that often rushes to fix or minimize difficult emotions, choosing to honor your grief—in all its complexity—is an act of courage and self-compassion.

Indiana Kanat